Sometimes I forget what it is like being alone because I am so use to your warm company. I use to hate it because I had to deal with so much issues but I also liked the space I had. I believe I need this space to figure things on my own and get myself back on track. To set up plans for myself, I been wanting to do this and I believe this is the push I need to get to it. I would be too comfortable to push myself, so thanks for the push. I will do my best to use this time wisely and get things done, so in the future it leaves room for us.

Growth, change, and time…

Its unbelievable what time can do to your growth and how you can change as a person. I sit here and reflect upon my past about not too long ago, 5 years ago I was a completely different person. Everyone knew or at least heard of me, I was known for either modeling or partying. I thought all those people were my friends, but now, I know what a friend really is. I remember going to 5 house parties full of 18-20 year olds in one night as a 15 year old. I never had a ride there or back, but I manage to find someone at the party to provide one for me. There were times when I didn’t even know the person, but at least I had a ride back. There were times where gang members would show up and a shoot out will start; I was always quick enough to leave on time before I was caught up however, i knew a quiet of number of people who died and was on the news.  There were times when I walked home at night and there were many times where I came home at 6:30 am and I will be back out the next day partying the same way. I met a bunch of guys and didn’t think once about my safety. I am amaze at how I manage to stay alive for one, but a virgin through out everything. I reflect on my life now and compare it to the younger generations, I see that I barely go out and if I do, it’s not to a party. I only hang out with my close friends and most of the time I am studying. I hardly meet any guys anymore when I began having a huge trust issue. Even 3 years ago, I was different. My heart was cold; none could imagine me with a guy. I hated all of them, I scared them, and they disgusted me. I used to be so mean and bitter about relationships. Now, I feel like I have a more positive view on it.

memories

I still remember the loneliness when I was depressed. Isolating myself from society, everyday was the same routine as if I were a walking zombie. Every day I wake up go to school, talk to no one but my best friend, go home, nap, homework, sleep and the same thing again for a year and a half. I wasn’t in any clubs, activities, I quit Tahitian and modeling at the time. I never wanted to meet new people, so I hung out with my normal group every weekend and if I met someone new, it was only because my group knew that person. I couldn’t trust anyone, I didn’t want to meet new people and I didn’t want to associate myself with guys. Everyday I played the same scene again of when I was happy, which kept me sane. Even though I was replaying those scenes, I knew in reality it was meaningless because I knew what was actually going on. I had no reason to live at that moment and the only thing that prevented me from committing suicide was the thought of separating myself from him. Even though he wasn’t even with me, the thought of him being sad kept me from doing so. The thought of him hurt, sad, in pain, or even mad scared me and I always wanted to prevent it. Foolish as it sounded, keeping him happy was all I wanted but it also gave me my pain. I was always there for his friends as I would for mines because his friends made him happy. However, being in the present of his friends was painful enough, especially when they talk about him and her while I was there. I was happy that he was happy with her but his actions caused me pain. I honestly felt completely alone, I remember crying until my body wouldn’t allow me to cry. I remember actually feeling something missing in my heart. I remember losing track of time, where months became days and years became weeks to me. I am not sure how I got myself out of this depression. Probably the involvement of SDAYO, being a leader and felt needed as if my role meant something because before then, this incident made me felt more unworthy than I originally felt with my parents leaving me.

Sometimes I sit here and wonder, what is the meaning of my existence in your life, why do you need there? Will it be any different if I wasn’t there? So what is the meaning of me? What impact can I do? Im feeling lost but mostly insecure. Sometimes I wonder if I leave, would anyone truly notice or they say they do, but within a few months you are easily forgotten. I lost my sense of self, I thought I gained it back but really, what it was is to open myself to see how meaningless everything is. I was already doing meaningless stuff but now I sit here and think, everything is meaningless. You die one day and what is there to prove your existence? I might as well die right now and rid the meaningless thoughts. That makes more sense to me than trying to feel like your life actually has a meaning. I mean this is just a thought I have when I am completely alone to think…