I been reading my old dairy for the past few days, I realized that I should never try to forget what happened. Instead, I should remember it, accepted that it happened, and not allow it to haunt me. I realized that this whole time, I been shutting myself off in order to protect myself. I felt resentment and I would do anything to avoid my emotions. While I was reading my entries, it was hard to believe that it even happened in the first place. For one, things have changed so much since then. Other thing was, I can’t believe I had gone through all those problems. I admit, I became strong because of it and at the same time, I saw myself become insecure. The only difference was, the way I handled it. I used to act as if I were too good that way; other guys would be scare to approach me. Then when _____ came back and smash right through my act. I came up with another defense. I was “too busy”, I over piled myself with assignments so I would never have time to meet other people nor get to know them. As I was reading my dairy, I see things differently than how I used to see it however, what I need to realize is that, there was some truth to those words. I shouldn’t tell myself that everything was a lie in order to move on, I need to accept that every word said was real, but realize that it’s over. I need to accept it in order to move on, happily.  I’m over it, that I know. The only problem is, I can’t trust and I don’t want to feel resentment, as if every guy has bad intention. I need to trust myself that I know better and give people a fair chance.

Playtime is over, time to get back on track

Ever since I detached my emotions, I have lost motivation. I stopped informing myself in politics, sciences, education, health, animal rights, and the economy. I pretended as if those issues never existed and became oblivious as everyone else. I wasn’t involving myself in the community. I no longer tutor kids, plan community service events, present about gang violence or other activities I used to do. I hoped someone would take my place while I partied. I wanted to be controled, told what to do rather than the leader. I let others talk, while I listen with no opinion of my own. I didn’t want a voice, I wanted to hide. What I really wanted was to forget. Forget who I was when I had emotions. Forget. Forget. Forget. I wanted to live in the moment for once, not the past. I’m done hiding, I realized that I am capable of so much more than what I am currently doing and I know that I can do it because I had done it numerous of times before.  I want to return to who I was before, except I won’t be living in the past this time. I will be living in the moment and actually L. I. V. E

Real Shit Though.

The natural looking, casual dressed girls are just as bad as those who wears make up and dresses up. Don’t let appearance deceive you. Get to know her.

I keep myself entertain because I know that when I am completely alone, I can hear your voice in the back of my head. Asking me how I am doing, my progress and as of right now, I don’t want to think or answer it. I don’t want you nor do I want to commit to anyone else. I want to have fun and enjoy the moments